WoTLK: What defines a real Dark Lord?

Have you ever wondered what are the main treats of the Lich King? Or any other dark lord for that matter? Let’s analyze this. Dark lords, brilliant stuff.

  • The Lord of Darkness of any evil organization lives in some sort of fortress, each one being named slightly different in order to avoid mistakes with the local mailing services. Subscriptions to “Evil’s Digest” or “Evil Today” could get lost. However, as a general rule, dark lords tend to get pretty pissed off if their monthly subscription to “Playboy, you little rascal of malevolent genius” gets lost.
  • Being the peak of an evil hierarchy often grants some title of nobility, as such “king”, “lord”, “prince” or any other of the likes. If they have no access to a title of nobility, the evil leader will adopt a nickname in the form of punch line, probably to seed fear in the hearts of villagers and keep tax inspectors away. Some examples might be “prince malchezaar” or “Lich King” for those who managed to get into nobility, and “Gruul the Dragonslayer”, Illidan “The Betrayer”. We’re investigating “Burger King” to find out about his specific field of evilness.

(If you ever forget their official name, you can stick to standards: “great lord of darkness” or “your evil majesty” will do fine)

  • Evil leaders must hire high amounts of stunt men to be randomly killed before getting to real threats. This is a follow up of the classic Star Trek’s technique of adding some non-regular actors to get killed in action during the exploration of some new planet. If you see yourself regularly patrolling some door in a fortress, start to get suspicious.
  • Dark lords are goths. They wear black clothes and skulls hanging from any part of their bodies. The more skulls, the merrier. They look very haggard and emaciated. Either they have severe nutritional problems or they are goths. I swear. However, we have failed to prove if they have trouble to distinguish between male and female when picking out sexual partners. Goths, no doubt.
  • A prince of darkness must stick to evilness under any circumstance. He also must aim to theatrical performance, such as malevolent laugh, catchy and repetitive sentences to settle your evil philosophy. Examples:

“you are not prepaaaaareeed!” (Illidan Stormrage)

“Resistance is futile” (The Borg Community, it’s basically their way of communicating)

“This is gonna be legen… wait for it… DARY!” (Bartney Stinson)

  • Scheduled sacrifices to set an example of your cruelty and tyranny would be great. Add some chaos scattered all over the mess and you’ve got the exact amount of evilness to become a great Dark Lord.

(NOTE: Chuck Norris follows no rules, he is a dark lord no matter what)

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2 Responses

  1. funny!

  2. This made my day. Poor Arthas. Forever consigned to the “Goth with an ice obsession” bargain bin.

    Fun stuff! 😀

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