Mages & Wizards

Mages are to fantasy what porn actresses are to the movie industry: if they aren’t there, you feel like there’s something missing. Brilliant stuff.

Mages and wizards are powerful characters that bend magic to their own will, and they are usually involved in every fairy tale. Except maybe in Red Riding Hood, and good Lord, that story is lame. In fact, if there was a wizard in that story, he would have called social services: Red Riding Hood’s mom sends his daughter into the forest to visit grandma, who happens to live alone in a poorly protected cottage stalked by wolves. Red Riding Hood’s mom was either a lousy mom or a serial killer planning on getting rid of her family.

“Polymorphing might be painful, click on the image to save the sheep!!”

There are different kind of mages. World of Warcraft makes us believe that mages are just spellcasters who happen to make things explode and transform other people in sheeps (see the image above). For some inexplicable reason, they are really bad businessmen. Otherwise, they would be opening restaurants all over Azeroth, which would prove effective with their ability to create food and drink out of nowhere.

But the concept of mages wasn’t always lied to sheep abuse and miracles in multiplying food and drink. In the beginning, wizards had quite a defined line to construct their personalities: they controlled arcane forces, they wore a hat ending in a peak, and long robes. Mystic and enigmatically, they spent most of their time poking their nose into big dusty books and their social life sucks. Nowadays they are called “nerds”.

“See? Nerds. No doubt.”

This was pretty clear to everyone until Harry Potter got in the way, changing reality and piña coladas as we knew them, probably created as a subversive influence to change the nerdy image we had about magic men (NOTE: Magic men are not men with huge reproductive capabilities).

Harry Potter was a nerd AND a mage, which semantically managed to separate both concepts as different definitions. In a way, it is the same phenomenon that we can observe in politics: they claim to have principles and make politics at the same time, which is an inherent contradiction by itself.

There are many important wizards in our collective imaginary: Tolkien’s Gandalf set an important figure in Lord Of The Rings. Merlin is a milestone in Arthurian Legends. Raistlin Majere in the Dragonlance series. Medivh in World of Warcraft.

But there is a character that brings the iconic essence of magicians back to life: Terry Pratchett’s Rincewind. He is a wiZZard, according to his hat, and believes in pre-emtive karma, as in his karma ensures that bad things will happen to him no matter how brilliant his future might seem. Dramatic and outrageously funny, this is really brilliant stuff.

WoTLK: What defines a real Dark Lord?

Have you ever wondered what are the main treats of the Lich King? Or any other dark lord for that matter? Let’s analyze this. Dark lords, brilliant stuff.

  • The Lord of Darkness of any evil organization lives in some sort of fortress, each one being named slightly different in order to avoid mistakes with the local mailing services. Subscriptions to “Evil’s Digest” or “Evil Today” could get lost. However, as a general rule, dark lords tend to get pretty pissed off if their monthly subscription to “Playboy, you little rascal of malevolent genius” gets lost.
  • Being the peak of an evil hierarchy often grants some title of nobility, as such “king”, “lord”, “prince” or any other of the likes. If they have no access to a title of nobility, the evil leader will adopt a nickname in the form of punch line, probably to seed fear in the hearts of villagers and keep tax inspectors away. Some examples might be “prince malchezaar” or “Lich King” for those who managed to get into nobility, and “Gruul the Dragonslayer”, Illidan “The Betrayer”. We’re investigating “Burger King” to find out about his specific field of evilness.

(If you ever forget their official name, you can stick to standards: “great lord of darkness” or “your evil majesty” will do fine)

  • Evil leaders must hire high amounts of stunt men to be randomly killed before getting to real threats. This is a follow up of the classic Star Trek’s technique of adding some non-regular actors to get killed in action during the exploration of some new planet. If you see yourself regularly patrolling some door in a fortress, start to get suspicious.
  • Dark lords are goths. They wear black clothes and skulls hanging from any part of their bodies. The more skulls, the merrier. They look very haggard and emaciated. Either they have severe nutritional problems or they are goths. I swear. However, we have failed to prove if they have trouble to distinguish between male and female when picking out sexual partners. Goths, no doubt.
  • A prince of darkness must stick to evilness under any circumstance. He also must aim to theatrical performance, such as malevolent laugh, catchy and repetitive sentences to settle your evil philosophy. Examples:

“you are not prepaaaaareeed!” (Illidan Stormrage)

“Resistance is futile” (The Borg Community, it’s basically their way of communicating)

“This is gonna be legen… wait for it… DARY!” (Bartney Stinson)

  • Scheduled sacrifices to set an example of your cruelty and tyranny would be great. Add some chaos scattered all over the mess and you’ve got the exact amount of evilness to become a great Dark Lord.

(NOTE: Chuck Norris follows no rules, he is a dark lord no matter what)

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Lich King: Special Mounts

Well, well, it seems that the Lich King is going to offer something more imaginative than the new races populating Northrends.

Special mounts meant to help us in new quests. Brilliant Stuff!!

We’ve got some videos, youtube is a great source of images … err… that we’ve obtained from our very reliable and exclusive sources. 😛

Wooly Mamooth

Flying Machine & Parachute

Defend Wyrmrest Temple

Siege Weapon

WoTLK’s bestiary: Deep Analysis (II)

Maybe it’s not that brilliant, after all. But the analysis is not so deep either, so we won’t complain. Let’s continue:

Iron Dwarf

The Iron Dwarf. I picture him like the Tony Stark version of dwarves. Or the kind of dwarf who wears dark Iron Maiden T-Shirts, old school heavy metal midgets. Hell yeah!

But they are just plain evil dwarves, instead. Judging by the pictures that Blizzard has published, they look like dwarves with a skin of stone, electrified eyes and pretty pissed off. It is not easy to be electrified all day long, I take it.

Well, I can’t go fundamentalist on Blizzard, if you give a convincing story to these creatures, the idea might work. Better than big blue snakes, anyway. All we know is that these creatures might be the missing link to understand dwarves and their evolution from the titans of myth (honest to God, this starts to sound like a Manowar song to me). We’ll see.

Taunka

These look cute. However, I fail to see any imagination involved in the designing process: they are white taurens, taurens in the snow. Give them a pair of skies and you’ll believe you’re in Alberta. According to Blizzard: “many believe the taunka to be ancestral cousins of the tauren”. Really? I wouldn’t have said so. 😛


Aside from this, the brief description provided say that they are “tenacious”, “stoic” and they have a “unshakable resolve”. So, they are stubborn, aren’t they?

Well, I can’t say this is going to change WoW as we know it. Murlocs were pure genius, by comparison.

Flesh Giants

Well, they have gone nuts with these: flesh giants. They have summon every bit of imagination in the world to create this new race. Could they have come up with a better name? Strong, mighty and above all… self descriptive.

Flesh Giants are some kind of zombies made with dead body parts from different corpses. I admit this looks actually evil, however, if you decide to hang around the Plaguelands sometimes, you’ll see plenty of similar creatures all around the place. Again, we will fight flesh giants because they are mobs and surely someone wants to have their ribs or lungs to do something, and he will reward us with XP points and stuff. However, I can’t say flesh giants are the most amazing creature ever designed.

WoTLK’s bestiary: Deep Analysis (I)

Not so long ago, Blizzard have unveiled the bestiary for WoTLK. Brilliant stuff.  Let’s take a deep look:

Nerubian Vizier

Half-spider, half-humanoid creatures corrupted after the (beware the imaginative name) War of the Spider. Now, surviving as soldiers of fortune, they wander the frozen lands in look of World of Warcraft players to play “touch and hide” with. And cook them. Probably not in that order.

It is rumored that the viziers themselves may serve an unseen emperor, one who is destined to lead the ancient spider-people to a final victory over the Scourge. In Brilliant Stuff we’ve managed to get a pic of the unseen emperor:

Now, he is the almost-unseen emperor. At most.

Plague Eruptor

According to Blizzard’s Bestiary: “Plague eruptors are the latest experiment of the Lich King, designed to spread horror and chaos across the world of the living”. Well, aside from being creatures of the Lich King… isn’t every enemy in Wow designed to do the very same things?

Again quoting from the bestiary: “The most terrifying weapons in the eruptors’ arsenal are the myriad pulsing nodules that dominate their rotting skin”. I have to admit that my cousin was a plague eruptor when he was fourteen, he had pulsing nodules all over his face. And yes, they were sort of a weapon, especially scary for women.

Jormungar

“The fiercely aggressive jormungar are a marvel of evolution, possessing rows of chisel-like teeth capable of boring through solid rock, as well as muscular, flattened bodies well adapted to rapid underground navigation.”

My good Lord, this is a snake. Don’t lie to me, it’s a big blue snake, nothing fancy about it. Apparently, Blizzard ran out of ideas with the Death Knight, because these creatures looks like combinations of many others that we have already seen in Azeroth.

I know, I know, it is not easy to summon inspiration after two new continents added to the original game, but hey, you’re paid for it, guys!!

Wait for the next part of this deep analysis!!

Keep in shape and play World of Warcraft

Combining sport and WoW. Brilliant stuff.

Who said it was not healthy to play WoW? In fact, these two dudes have proven that you can work out while playing your favorite mmorpg game. Forget the gym and start wandering Azeroth… now!!

If you’re raiding in a daily basis, in two weeks you will be the last action hero. Bad side of the story, if you keep raiding, you’ll collapse from a heart attack.

Enjoy!!

McDonalds hires The Joker

I couldn’t resist, just take a look, brilliant stuff…

Pretty good. 🙂